omg, Tom from Myspace was just on American Idol! He's sooooo cute. And yes, I thought he was cute even before he was a gajillionaire. Tom from Myspace!

Okay, I'm having a slight issue with this duet by Celine Dion and a computer projection of Elvis. It's not the uber-creepy idea of this long dead performer sweating his way through a performance of what's essentially a souped up American Bandstand, but the fact that Celine Dion is Canadian. After all, according to Ryan Seacrest, this is...American Idol.

In fact this whole fundraising episode is just very awkward in general. It feels very cobbled together with far too many celebrities with very little to say. Not to mention the fact that they're showing the same footage of starving little children as they did last night (and seriously American Idol, did you really, really have to resort to freezing on a close up shot of a little black boy with a toothy smile and a snot-crusted nose? What is this, 1985?

I should add that it turns out those two times that I voted (Antonella and Sanjaya- I'm a rebel, baby), I wasn't actually voting. I didn't realize until last night that the text messages are for AT&T users only. Whoops. Well, it's for the best. I actually did call in last night for Jordin (I've seriously turned into a person that I don't recognize) but only because it was for charity. Yeah, that's it. Charity.

Unbeknownst to me, I put our dog in Steelers colors today. I dropped him off at the groomers and stopped by Petco to get him a new name tag. His old tag disappeared at least a couple of weeks ago, and I've been a very bad parent not getting him one earlier but I've had to put most of my life on hold for the past few weeks.

It was disconcerting, because usually his tag would clink clink when he walked. Without it, he would just suddenly appear places. Like he'd be asleep in bed, I'd get up to go to the kitchen, and presto, there he was standing right in front of the sink. I'd go to the bathroom, and there was dog, silently staring at me next to the toilet. So I'm glad he has a new tag- I got him a big one this time, shaped like a bone.

And since I can't go to Petco without stocking up on useless stuff, Otto now has a bag of treats from the clearance bin, a new rope and ball from said bin, and a little yellow and black shirt (not from bin, but only $10). It's the same colors as the Pittsburgh Steelers. Aaron was thrilled when I sent him this photo (he's in New Zealand. Such a jet-setter).

In a fit of exhaustion and self-pity, I also spent $250 in gift cards at Pier One yesterday. Then I spent two hours that I don't have rearranging and tidying the living room, and I'm SO proud at how it looks. It's not perfect, but a hell of a lot better than before. I can't wait to pick up my giant circley red chair from Pier One on Monday. I already have the little matching footstool, and a new lamp.

So I'm very proud to complain that I've been working ridiculous numbers of hours every day. The past month has been hellish in terms of deadlines and paralyzing fear that I can't accomplish everything that I'm supposed to, but it's getting done, slowly but surely. I've been grinding my teeth, clenching and cracking my jaw and biting my nails like a crazy woman (I'm orally fixated). Last night I had my dreaded stress nightmare that my teeth fell out- it was a little different than normal because usually in my dream my teeth are really loose and I start pulling them out. This time, I dreamt that I ground my front teeth down to little nubs and poky bits, and then found a loose tooth and pulled it out. It was really horrific, but waking up is always a big relief.

Fortunately, I do keep reminding myself that it's not like I'm slaving in the coal mines. Lately, my jobs of researching two different books for other people mostly involves sitting on the sofa or in bed, preferably in PJs, just writing, writing and writing. And I make phone calls. As of May I'm going to have to be a slave to office hours again, with just one of the current book projects on top of that. But as long as I never have to work on two books at the same time, ever again, I'll be a happy woman. Lesson learned.

Aaaaaaaaawwww... Sanjaya. We love you man, we really really do.

Nasally Tinnies

Okay, just a few notes:

Phil- woo hoo! He's finally shown America what I've seen in him all along. Who knew that I was seeing a country singer? Yay recording contract for Phil!

Jordin- Sweetie darling, that dress is horrific. Skip the orange sacks and show off that curvacious bod. Ooh, that was interesting, Simon just proclaimed that she has a real shot at winning. I was just thinking on the way home that it's about time for me to put in my bet for who's going to win, and by process of elimination and with some radar ducking, I came out with Jordin. My momma has been supporting her and now Simon just did. So, you know, I guess Jordin is going to take it home.

Sadly, I think the Sanjaya train is running out of steam. It's okay though. As much fun as it was for a few weeks, I don't like to see a 17 year old being booed at a baseball game because of all this nonsense. I'd rather he go out with some grace and dignity. Oops, he's wearing bandana on wild moppy hair. So much for that grace and dignity.

Oh and my bro predicts that Chris is out this week. I haven't seen him perform yet (it's a west coast thing) but my fingers are crossed. I'd cross my toes too, but I once heard that cancels out your wish and lord knows we don't want that to happen.

Good god, that was horrible. Not Lakisha, she was fine. I mean, I'm not a huge fan, but whatever. But Jesus, Chris. How anyone has tolerated that whiny voice up till now is beyond me. Yes, yes, I get that people all have different tastes and I am a card carrying member of the Richard Marx fan club, but ugh. I'd be so embarrassed if aliens came down from other planets and saw him as our country's musical representative.

Now this is an interesting twist. Melinda was great, as usual. But I think Simon may have just lengthened her stay by advising her to lose the "Who, me?" expression. And she did, and she looked wonderful! Not to mention awesome hairdo and outfit this week. Hmm, a Melinda/Jordin face off. My money would still be on Jordin because she would have the underdog appeal, and Melinda has that already professional thing going on whereas Jordin has her entire future ahead of her. And she's, er, prettier.

Oh good lord, Blake was horrendous. What are these judges thinking? Horrible horrible. It was like the he and the band were on two entirely different songs.

This week on AI

I'm in the middle of watching the results show, so I'll share a few thoughts in real time.

They're singing Bailamo. So Chris has this odd thing where his arms stick out really far from his body, like a bodybuilder, except he's not all that big.

I am impressed at how semi-professional all these performances are. I read a lot of snarky blogs (snark? me?) about how awful the group performances can be, but honestly, I can't tell my left foot from my right, and I sort of dance like Elaine on that episode of Seinfeld. So to sing and move around a stage while maneuvering around 10 other people? Impressive.

More compliments. I think Ryan Seacrest is an awesome host. Really, he's like the hardest working guy in the industry (and once known as the hardest working guy in radio), and all that practice pays off. He's has a lovely rapport with the contestants and is good at the off-the-cuff stuff. Poor Brian Dunkleman.

Awww, they just showed a clip of a guy referring to Lakisha as "that big girl wearing the red dress."

Why is Chris so popular? I don't get it. I really, really don't.

Okay, just fast forwarded through some guy who's not J.Lo singing.

Ack, the car commercial is showing morphing faces of the contestants. Creepy weird and wrong. Good song though- Happy Together with lots of morphing head bobbing.

Omg, a video clip of Simon Cowell with small African girls. Now if that's not a sitcom waiting to happen, I don't konw what is. Simon can be like a wealthy bachelor whose hardened heart melts when he's forced to take in a village of small African girls into his mansion and become their foster dad. Perhaps they could break into song every now and then.

Lordy, what if Chris becomes our next American Idol? Granted, I've never given a winner a second thought after they won, but still. What a travesty. If Sanjaya wins, I'll totally buy the CD out of support.

Where on earth is Phil's baby? His wife is in the audience every week. How many brand new moms get to go out twice a week?

I know the loser is already chosen, but I'm thinking that Haley is out. Hey, I was sort of right about Gina last week. Okay, so it was wishful thinking come true.

Ooh, ooh, could Chris be in the bottom three? Oh please oh please... YES!!!

Dammit, he's back on the couch. Well, he dropped to the bottom three, so there is always hope. Let's root that Haley's out since I kind of like Phil.

What the hell is J.Lo wearing? Is it a dress? It is pants with flowy things attached to it? Oh, yes it is just that. How very odd. It's like one of those outfits you see on Project Runway and Tim Gunn says that it's delightful in concept but failed in the execution. Actually, I think that phrase came from The Apprentice. Or Top Chef.

Ahh, and Haley is out. God I'm good.

Top 9

In deference to the art of procrastination, of which I've done precious little lately due to the fact that I literally don't have TIME to procrastinate, I shall present my thoughts on each of the top 9 of American Idol.


That was fair warning to those of you who don't give a crap. But I need a place to vent, and it's better than texting my brother every time someone sings, seeing as he and my mother are the only people I know who watch the show besides me. I don't get it. There's like a kajillion votes each week. Where are these people and why don't I hang out with them?


Blake Lewis: Now that he's cut out the beatboxing to "focus on the vocals" (okay he didn't actually say that, but you know he's thinking it) I'm over it. After that hot performance of a couple of weeks ago with all that "who's your daddy? cchk cchk ahhh!" rigamarole, he's just gone downhill for me. He reminds me of every other cocky, 5'7" napoleonic "I'm such a badass with a cool vibe" douche I've ever met. How many of those have you met, you ask? Well, I answer, not many, but still...if you're going to be a badass, bring back the beatboxing! Oh, and I hate the way he tilts up his head while he sings.

Phil What's-his-Name: Truly? I really like this guy. If I wasn't sold by his adorable wife giving birth the day he auditioned, the fact that he's like in an army band or some such thing should have nailed it. I like his quirky guy-who-wears-hats persona, and he's got a nice voice...but he's just so goshdarned boring. That said, I haven't been able to get that deep baritone "tobacco rooo-oad" line out of my head since last week.

Phew, this is taking longer than I thought. Okay...

Melinda Doolittle: You'd have to have no soul to dislike this girl. Still, that whole "Really? Me?" attitude is wearing on me, even though I'm 100% confident that she actually means it. She gets this cute little indentation on either side of her nose when she's going full gear into the "Who me?" routine, and it's still a joy to watch, but I think too many consistently good performances can actually work against you.

She's also the winner of the"Same exact face when she was a little kid" award. I should know, I'm the same way:

Gina Glocksen: She's just so...meh. I don't think I'd like her very much in person, but I can't exactly put my finger on it. She's got a weird confidence about herself that isn't totally deserved, like a girl who's not that pretty or has a great personality, but managed to get herself into the popular crowd so she's the nastiest one of the bunch. I don't hate her voice, but I'm always nervous she's going to screw up at any given moment. However, there is something incredible touching about the shots of her cute little mother, who is always gasping in wonder and pride that her baby is up there on stage, so that's something I guess.

Sanjaya Malakar: Sorry folks, but he's my boy. No he can't sing very well, yes he's a little odd, and no, my gaydar is not going off. That means nothing though, because I have the worst gaydar in the world. I'm officially a member of the Vote for Sanjaya movement, because I think it's funny and that he can take it all in stride, and Howard Stern told me to do it. Oops, did I say that out loud? Phew, no I didn't.

Jordin Sparks: With a name like Jordin Sparks, this girl was destined for her own Nickelodeon show. She can sing, and she is an absolutely sparkling joy to see onstage, and god I hope she doesn't lose too much weight when her career blows up into something huge. But honestly, I so see a tween TV show in her near future.

Lakisha Don't Know Her Last Name But it Don't Matter Cuz She's Just Lakisha: Awesome voice, can't argue with that in the least. But I don't know. Early on, after she gave these spectacular attitudey performances, it was like she would up into this beaten down woman. Now she seems to have gained confidence, but it's not growing on me. There's something odd about her, like she could turn on you in an instant and start gnawing at you with those gappy teeth.

Chris Richardson: Up until this week, I really and truly hated this guy. I hate his nasally voice, his cheesy performances, his not very good looking good looks, all of it. This week, though, I thought he actually had --dare I say it --soul. I don't think it'll last though.

Haley Scarnato: Oh I just feel so bad for this girl. She has a lovely cabaret style voice, but after the show she will marry her fiance, move back to the suburbs and never sing again except for the karaoke bar down the street when the crowd convinces her to reenact her 15 minutes and she may develop a little bit of a drinking problem. Either that, or her fiance is going to dump her for stripping down to her bare naughties and shaking her gazongas to get votes, in which case she'll go to a lot of celebrity parties and wind up dating a D-lister and probably develop a little bit of a drinking problem.

My guess for bottom three tomorrow? Phil, Haley and Gina. Out tomorrow? Probably Phil, but should be Haley and I hope is Gina.