Top 9

In deference to the art of procrastination, of which I've done precious little lately due to the fact that I literally don't have TIME to procrastinate, I shall present my thoughts on each of the top 9 of American Idol.


That was fair warning to those of you who don't give a crap. But I need a place to vent, and it's better than texting my brother every time someone sings, seeing as he and my mother are the only people I know who watch the show besides me. I don't get it. There's like a kajillion votes each week. Where are these people and why don't I hang out with them?


Blake Lewis: Now that he's cut out the beatboxing to "focus on the vocals" (okay he didn't actually say that, but you know he's thinking it) I'm over it. After that hot performance of a couple of weeks ago with all that "who's your daddy? cchk cchk ahhh!" rigamarole, he's just gone downhill for me. He reminds me of every other cocky, 5'7" napoleonic "I'm such a badass with a cool vibe" douche I've ever met. How many of those have you met, you ask? Well, I answer, not many, but still...if you're going to be a badass, bring back the beatboxing! Oh, and I hate the way he tilts up his head while he sings.

Phil What's-his-Name: Truly? I really like this guy. If I wasn't sold by his adorable wife giving birth the day he auditioned, the fact that he's like in an army band or some such thing should have nailed it. I like his quirky guy-who-wears-hats persona, and he's got a nice voice...but he's just so goshdarned boring. That said, I haven't been able to get that deep baritone "tobacco rooo-oad" line out of my head since last week.

Phew, this is taking longer than I thought. Okay...

Melinda Doolittle: You'd have to have no soul to dislike this girl. Still, that whole "Really? Me?" attitude is wearing on me, even though I'm 100% confident that she actually means it. She gets this cute little indentation on either side of her nose when she's going full gear into the "Who me?" routine, and it's still a joy to watch, but I think too many consistently good performances can actually work against you.

She's also the winner of the"Same exact face when she was a little kid" award. I should know, I'm the same way:

Gina Glocksen: She's just so...meh. I don't think I'd like her very much in person, but I can't exactly put my finger on it. She's got a weird confidence about herself that isn't totally deserved, like a girl who's not that pretty or has a great personality, but managed to get herself into the popular crowd so she's the nastiest one of the bunch. I don't hate her voice, but I'm always nervous she's going to screw up at any given moment. However, there is something incredible touching about the shots of her cute little mother, who is always gasping in wonder and pride that her baby is up there on stage, so that's something I guess.

Sanjaya Malakar: Sorry folks, but he's my boy. No he can't sing very well, yes he's a little odd, and no, my gaydar is not going off. That means nothing though, because I have the worst gaydar in the world. I'm officially a member of the Vote for Sanjaya movement, because I think it's funny and that he can take it all in stride, and Howard Stern told me to do it. Oops, did I say that out loud? Phew, no I didn't.

Jordin Sparks: With a name like Jordin Sparks, this girl was destined for her own Nickelodeon show. She can sing, and she is an absolutely sparkling joy to see onstage, and god I hope she doesn't lose too much weight when her career blows up into something huge. But honestly, I so see a tween TV show in her near future.

Lakisha Don't Know Her Last Name But it Don't Matter Cuz She's Just Lakisha: Awesome voice, can't argue with that in the least. But I don't know. Early on, after she gave these spectacular attitudey performances, it was like she would up into this beaten down woman. Now she seems to have gained confidence, but it's not growing on me. There's something odd about her, like she could turn on you in an instant and start gnawing at you with those gappy teeth.

Chris Richardson: Up until this week, I really and truly hated this guy. I hate his nasally voice, his cheesy performances, his not very good looking good looks, all of it. This week, though, I thought he actually had --dare I say it --soul. I don't think it'll last though.

Haley Scarnato: Oh I just feel so bad for this girl. She has a lovely cabaret style voice, but after the show she will marry her fiance, move back to the suburbs and never sing again except for the karaoke bar down the street when the crowd convinces her to reenact her 15 minutes and she may develop a little bit of a drinking problem. Either that, or her fiance is going to dump her for stripping down to her bare naughties and shaking her gazongas to get votes, in which case she'll go to a lot of celebrity parties and wind up dating a D-lister and probably develop a little bit of a drinking problem.

My guess for bottom three tomorrow? Phil, Haley and Gina. Out tomorrow? Probably Phil, but should be Haley and I hope is Gina.